dear didn't showed up despite me waiting the whole night for him. kinda disappointting. its okay... somehow, didn't cried about it.

im going out. alone. guess no sushi for today. maybe later. im just screwing up my plan.

i will enjoy.

watched a doctor at the polyclinic about my headache. she gave me 2 days MC and told me to proceed to get my preception. and so i went to get my preception, but to no avail. -.- they told me they have run out of it and told me to get it elsewhere. ;/ the doctor also said if my headache doesn't subside, i should be admitted to the hopital's emergency section.

after that took a bus to dear's aunt's place for dinner. its a long ride which made me think negatively. maybe its my sign of death. almost teared out when i think about parting with the people around me. dear didn't know about me being negative on the bus. as usual, tried to cheer up, and so i did. dear was there to joke with me at least.

i thought about what if something turns out bad. i will get married and have a baby before i die, else it will be another regret in my life. its fine with me not earning alot money; to be successful in work, but the basics must be fulfilled; to have my own family.

whatever it is, im treassuring every minute in my life. life is short.

P.S thanks to those who are concern to me. everything is back to normal already (except my headache.).

im still feeling giddy. might be the medicine (which was said to be very strong) cause the giddiness, but i took it last night. felt like extracting my brain out and bashed it up.

texted dear this morning ask if he wanted to come over my place tonight since i dont have pants to wear for work. then he said he said "see how". and told me later that he wanted to go back with his friend and we can go back to our own place rather than be together. is it a sudden change with dear ?! im upset with this kind of reply.

is it because dear's ex called (dear didn't picked up, maybe because im around) ?! previously, dear treated me like im invisible after 'SHE' walked up to say hi to him, his aunt and his sis at hereen (ignoring my presence... what a ill-mannered bitch). so if we don't meet, he can happily chat with 'HER', how great right ?! *hooray* if he want to talk to 'HER', like when he replied 'HER' text messages without me knowing, i can't control also. in fact, i don't want to control.

i admit being very negative after seeing the doctor on monday, what the doctor said really affected me. all i want is for dear to care for me to show love to me.

yesterday, went to dear's school together with dear to wait for him to end school from 3 to 5. since morning, dear didn't talked much to me maybe due to his upset stomach. then reached home, had dinner, and sleep. a 'word-less' day. i cant bring myself to sleep too, while dear sleeping soundly beside me. somehow, woke him up and told him how negatively i felt recently. its only then we talked, though its just few minutes.

is he getting tired of us ?!

it was hard for me to swallow it. its my turn again to be heartborken. i don't know where to start.

dear brought up this break up so suddenly which hurt me so much. its the fifth time. dear kept saying sorry to me. all i can say is stop saying sorry and try make it up to me. guess its too late to say such things, i still wants to say it. we're still friends right ?!

dear also promised me that he wont get into a relationship before me. though he broken one; he will never break up with me. i will still believe him. im foolish in relationship. and will stay foolish for dear only. dear is the only guy who touched me heart in many ways. i love him in anyway. i do complain about how he treats me and how not-understanding he is, all i just want is more understanding from dear. maybe im very annoying recently. i agree that im starting to get paranoid recently. guess i pushed dear too hard. im sorry.

remember you drawing circles on my hand ?! means we will still be together in our next life. remember us writing words on each other hands ?! remember when we take the bus or the train when we joke and tickle each other ?! remember all those happy moments together ?! dont you ever forget. and i will always be your secretary for life.

days of happiness and sadness will all be remembered. i will love you and wait for your love in return.

thanks to friends who concern about me.

everything is back together. i promised to bring back the life we had before.

was chatting on the phone with dear. told him how much i missed the life when we were so sweet. reminded him how happy we were in some occasions. i cant really bring myself to say it out in a normal way, i cried throughout the conversation. made dear cried too. then dear asked if i wanted to meet him, he will drive over. on our way back to his place, i asked alot of question and i was very unsure about us. so are we together ?! i got the answer till we turn in. dear hugged me and i burst into tears again, then he told me that he will be with me and he still loves me just not that much. i know his love for me is hidding somewhere and im getting it out again since dear is willing to.

its the only relationship im try very hard to get back. ive made alot of effort and still make more effort to get it back. please dont make me upset even more.

heading to the movies later with dear. 007 and lakeview terrace. rmb when im cold in the cinema, dear will let me put my hands in his clothes and i will hug his stomach getting warmth from him, then his look will change. cause my hands were as cold as ice. haha.

I LOVE YOU. >.<

"No point saying 'I Love you' when you don't mean it". that was what i told dear.

after work changed into the shirt and denim skirt with my perfume that dear like. haven't be wearing it for like a year i guess. dear fetch me after work, and bought ferrero and honey centered sweet for me. how sweet.... dear booked tickets online and have to collect it 30mins before the show starts. so when i went to the toilet to change, he went to get ticket first. we both were hungry, so before head up to the cinema to meet him, i when to get food for dear with my pathetic leftover coins. (which means by right i should be suffering today unless i get to an ATM machine.) dear ate a lil and we decide to go to carl jr. to eat. somehow, i just lost my appitite, maybe because i ate biscuit at work before meeting up. dear was very hungry. lol.

went to the cinema for 007 like normal couples. felt that dear is also trying to get his feelings for me. thanks for giving me a chance. i treated dear like i always did and also trying hard to think of how to get dear's heart back. the lips i kissed is no longer cold. 007 is a nice show, cool stunts ! after the show went out to starhub, dear wanted to get a new line for their unlimited sms for students. didn't get in the end due to lack of time.

before entering the next cinema for lakeview terrance, bought pop corn and drinks. wasted quite alot of pop corn, just no appitite. dear said 'I Love You' which made me teared. means i won his heart back. i made miracle once, and i believe i can get another this time which i made it. its long since we're that sweet once again. btw, Lakeview terrance is not a bad show. sort of drama kind storyline.

intended to have a scroll outside vivo, but the security guards are locking up the glass doors, so cant go out. and so we  head back dear's place.

spent time together on sat. went out. intend to get stuff to make for dear, but didn't find any. let dear know though. ive bigger surprise for dear. ;p when to Gucci and order a cellphone strap for him. able to collect it tomorrow. dear is happily hopping around.

caught Madagascar 2 also. hehe. really laugh throughout the show. it was a mid-night show and it was full. haha. kinda wrong choice to head back my place as Choco will be barking happily when i reach home and everyone is asleep. lol. anyway, just love to see choco being excited. very adorable. haha.

having meeting, guess its a final meeting with moto. i will miss everyone.

going down town later. getting dear's Gucci Handphone strap and repairing my phone. my phone is having hardware problems i guess, cause it kept muting my calls. been quite a while till is pisses me off. as for dear's strap, planning to get is seceretly before meeting him.

okay, what he's think now is that WE will be meeting up to get it, but now, I'M the one going down and get it before meeting him. haha. surprise !!!

now, gotta depend on dear for my dinner. my allowance from IPP is understated and i still haven't get an answer why. its my last 2nd week already, are you trying to cheat my money ?! lol.

finally received an email from the HR department regarding my allowance. calculated wrongly is an unexceptable reason. whatever, as long as i got it. will be credited to my account with nov08 allowance.

ytd went down to Gucci for the strap, but its not in yet. zzz. cant give dear a surprise. told dear too. send my phone for repair also. no phone after that. zzz. cant contact dear, only told him that i'll be waiting at lvl 5 of cathay. was hungry and tired, dont dare to get things to eat, have no idea where is dear and when will dear arrive. after we met, went down to the basement, where we first met for movies on the day we got together, for dinner. the quick bite stall sells nice food, maybe cause we both were very hungry. ;p

went back after getting a cross stitch set from spotlight. the ride back dear's place was long yet funny. on our second bus back to dear's place, we heard like at least 5 bangs on the window and was from someone sitting somewhere behind me. most probably it's made by someone who dose off and accidentally hit the window. we both don't dare to turn back and see who was dosing off. giggling all the way back. haha.

long since we both were awake on the bus. ;p

woke up around dawn and heard dear sniffing. rolled over to dear's arms. check on him and he was awake. he told me he dreamt that he was crying and hugged me and kept saying sorry. he said it was a nightmare and don't wish to say out. there's a saying that if u don't say out your nightmares it may happen. maybe you will keep thinking about it and be miserable. i asked him is it that he dreamt that i died. then he said something near, and told me that he dreamt that  i fall ill and died. im still here though. in fact, this is what im afraid of. having to suffer to death.

in my previous entry, i said that i had a headache since weeks ago. im taking medicine and yet my headache have not gone away. i still remembered what the doctor told me. to see them and will get admitted to the hospital's emergency ward for some scanning. thought about it, might be due to lack of sleep. and i only get my headache in the office.

away from unhappy stuff.

just glad to know that dear really loves me. i really got his feelings back for me. miracles do happen. and its the 2nd time it happened.

im so facinated by Japanese cell phones. fell in love with one. omg. so darn cool !!!! its a 5mp with anti-shake function, with TV receiver, 3inch VGA LCD screen(HD quality type), expandable up to MircoSD 2GB, can be unlocked and changed into english also. nice. there's people selling the 2nd hand one in forums. then......

saw this remark in a forum. zzz. "Buyer pls take note of the basic P905i Restrictions when used with a non japanese sim card:
NO T9, NO MMS, NO GPRS, NO TV FUNCTION[1 SEG], BLUETOOTH CANNOT SEND FILES and lastly the HYPERSIM does not work well with Singtel Sim Card so Singtel Users pls buy at ur own risk."

i wont be able to take it when the bluetooth cant send files. zzz its selling quite expensive also. zzz

Finally, requested by huimin to upload pictures taken by my fish-eye jelly lens. ;p

Xmas is coming. ;p

Some decorations in plaza Singapura

the happy couple.

taken on the day before 'a sad day'

taken in a photo booth. vintage eh ?! ;p

ITS KEVIN'S BIRTHDAY ! HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

honestly, haven't got a present for him. think i also don't get to celebrate for him. ;/ dear also didn't ask me to tag along. =X haha. nvm, its okay.

sat, when out with dear's aunt then had dinner at sis place. was so full and was told to push in more rice. almost break down can !! i tried my best to eat already and everyone thinks that i didn't have enough ?! at that point, i really hope that i viomit out and maybe faint or something. its not the first time already. i already said im very full ler and no one is believes me. dear help me to ate the remaining rice though and when i see him pouring the gravy intot he rice, those stuff in my stomach was pushing themselves up my throat. seriously, im starting to get phobia of food. so sick about food. just so sick. this morning breakfast wasn't tasty though im hungry.

im eating to live now. not live to eat anymore. felt like pouring out now when im thinking about the dinner. omg.

sun, rot at dear's place. since very long. haha. played games, watch DVD. had a great time together. ;p

im back at work. was having MC yesterday. my head was spinning. went to doctor chan @ dawson place, dear's family doctor. he treat my signess and also told me something that really makes me so pissed about polyclinic doctors. the pain killer given by the polyclinic doctor will cuase side effects, like feeling naucious and will feel giddy. so now i know. he also said that my headache might be cause my heavy mensuration or maybe due to my signess.

can't blame those polyclinic doctors, they faced so many paitents and they know nuts about the patient also. maybe they can see those previous medical records with them which is normally fever and some minor cases. they are not as concerning as exprienced doctors. that's what i think. guess i will only go to the polyclinic when im having coughs, sore throat or fever.

saw huimin's blog entry on someone harassing her at work. recalled that when im working at tampines, there's also someone being very irritating. showing a kissing face at me when everyone is busy and im not, telling people that we're lovers just that i don't show it out. though he seems like joking, but somehow its too over. people there do say that "you're the only one i love", "let's break!", "i will do anything for you", "why you have break with guys" and stuff. those i still can ignore, just that i cant stand the kissing face. ew.... his face just freaks me out. and there's just these weird people living that cuase people's lives miserable. whatever it is, im no longer a promoter and therefore, not going there every week.

i got my love life back and both of us is happy with each other. so PLEASE trouble, go away and get lost.

haven't mention that i got dear his gucci handphone strap on sat. was too upset that day what i forget about it. ;p yesterday, get mummy to help in sewing, cause i cant get it right to sew a pouch for dear. i just forget the steps of hooking the threads which made it suck into the machine. i haven't been using the sewing machine for years. lol.

renting car on friday. dear be fetching me after work. maybe go out for supper maybe. no plans for sat yet, sun be heading to the beach with family, including choco. ;p maybe prawning on sat. hehe.

its my last day at IPP. hm... mixed feelings.

on my way here, was enjoying my ride to work as it might be the last time in my life take the bus early in the morning to work, passing by the industrial parks.

offered my gifts to my co-workers in my department. its manners even if they dont expect me to.

i really missed school life. being so free and easy in school, so comfortable. monday, i will be back to school lively ! ;p

have a car later ~ hehe. i be driving ! >.<

just done writing my email to the people in my department. really want to thank them a lot for giving me such an memorable stay.

Dist,

I want to thank everyone in making my stay here so joyful and giving me an unforgettable experience and memorable one here in NOL.

Also having special thanks to Jindao and Bernard with the effort in my testimonials and giving me consistent recommendations and support throughout my 3months here. I really appreciate it a lot. I will take note of all the ideas and thoughts given by everyone and really sit down to think through it. Million thanks to everyone again.

Nice meeting every one of you and bestest wishes for your future life.

Regards,
Shuxian

just getting used to office life and here am i ending my IPP. office job is really not easy. and i can say its not for me.

felt really good when u came to school.

first day of FYP. being assigned to do a secure document management system project. sounds kind of complicated though. started basic coding. lol.

during lunch time, went to fish and co. to celebrate huimin and tobias birthday. why fish and co. cause of their special birthday song. haha. bought cake too. was a sudden decision yet goes out so well. ;p

its huimin's birthday today and tobias's tomorrow.

HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY TO HUIMIN !

back to blog on last weekend. rented a car on last friday. dear fetched me back from my last day of work.

on sat, went to quite a few places. woke up early in the morning. head to AMK avenue 10 hawker for breakfast. where my childhood memories are. then after that went to AMK hub since its nearby. got dear a bangle, not the one he spotted previously, dont look nice on him. then catch Beverly Hills Chihuahua. not a bad show. maybe cus i love dogs too much. went down to queensway shopping centre. ate the famous laksa there and got each other a water bottle each. the price of Wii there is so tempting, but after some thought, we decide not to spend our money on it. then decide to get some beads supplies from tampines which we eventually forget everything about it. dear bought 2 polo from G2000, i got a new makeup bag and was looking for kevin's birthday present which we couldn't find.

on sun, brought mummy out to margret drive, dear's dad's coffee stall for breakfast. then head to IMM to shop. went home early. then decide to look for huimin, so brought choco along to her place. didn't knew that choco is so timid. he got frightened. 'LAO SAI' at huimin's place. so embarrass. huimin's dogs are very big ! like 3 or 4 times the size of choco, and maybe that's why choco was scared. tried Wii. again. fun !!! and i wanted it. ;(

late for school for 10 sec. lol. god father had an accident and visiting him later. dear wont be joining though he will be having family dinner. hope my god parents and my parents don't ask where is my bf. i seriously really don't know how to reply them. so caught in the middle. haiz....

had NAPFA training yesterday. dont have the stamina for 2.4km already. in total ran 5 rounds inculding the warm up. was dead tired after the training. dragged myself home.

after reaching home. was belly scratching my choco while cooling down. then my parents turn to choco and sort of scold him for not wanting to bath. he just hated bathing. lol. so i grab him to the toilet. he was growling, but no use though. haha. i always give him masssages during his bathe. really dont know why he doesn't wants to bath. snacked him after bathe as usual.

then headed to bath. then went to visit my god father. he had an accident earlier this month and my mum just found out when they met at compass point. he was driving his scooter in a rainy day while a mecerdes knocked onto him. had a fractured wrist with his shoulder dislocated and some parts of his legs had minor injuries. the mercedes driver did gave a visit though. at least not inhuman. ;p as we reached, we saw relatives over there, cause they didn't want to tell everyone in the family and trouble them, but somehow my dad spread the news to the whole family already. lol. whatever it is, at least he is okay.

had a great night sleep. haha. ;p

this morning dad fetched me to school. and asked if i wanted to get a bike license again as we saw a vespa on our way to my school. at first he asked me if i wants a bike license, then told me that have to prepare for injuries when i said i want to get it, then say not good to drive bike.... then now he asked again. -.- what he wants ?!

i just did my henna on my hand. hehe. there's a fair in school. again. ;p

finally meeting dear after school. its been 2 days ready. ;(

dinner with dear's family later.

basically, Final Year Project(FYP) life is great ! exlcuding the time when lectuerer(s) are around. so free and easy. luckily there's NAPFA training else everyone will grow pounds after the period. haha.

one thing good for those in period 3 and 4 of FYP (there's total of 4 groups in a year), we've done our speciality track, for mine is security which did applies to my FYP. else should be some normal IT project(boring).  lol.

its like rush to school just to punch in though school network, then start slacking till a lecturer come in to check on us. then do some job. head for lunch. go back with some tibits. snacked or run out when lecturer not around. its really fun to be with friends! such a good life in school. ;D

so looking forward to the following shows. transporter is always my all time favourite and the actor did not change which is why i really look forward to it. yes man is a comedy by Jim Carey which i wont miss. lol. twilight is on vampires which is my interest. haha.

Upcoming shows

Transporter 3 - 1 Jan 09

Yes Man - 19 Dec 08

Twilight - 18 Dec 08

 watching Quarantine later ! yeah ! >.<

nice sunset seen on the way back dear's place for dinner.

the henna drawing on my hand. ;p

huimin's and tobias's birthday celebration on monday.

staff singing their fish and co. song while huimin and tobias stood up with fire sticks on their hands and everyone is looking at them.

the 2 nov babies

make a wish and cut the cake.

the bracelet i bought for dear.

the pouch i stitched ! also for dear.

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the last picture

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SURPRISE !!!! (dear will come look for me when he sees this. lmao.)